I've been thinking about something for a few days. The root of it has probably been there longer, but as my body returns to its full rhythm after I abstain from the few pleasures I indulge in I start seeing things clearly. It only lasts for a little while before my brain starts operating too quickly again and I start having too many thoughts that I can't control, but right now for this little frame of time I think I'm clear.

The majority of people love crap. They don't feel ashamed about it. And there's no reason to pretend I'm any different. There's plenty of things that are crap that I enjoy. I enjoy pop music like ABBA and A-ha and I no longer feel any shame in admitting. Although, I have enjoyed those for years so it's not as if I used and discarded them.

But I'm coming to this realization that the majority of the world wants disposable crap to enjoy. The delusion is that this is something new. The delusion is thinking that things are worse now than ever before. Sure they are, but things have always been a little bit worse than they were before. Things continue to get better than they were before thanks to the work of dedicated people who want to invent new things, focus on the perfection of things that already exist, and the preservation of the beautiful things that are already in the universe, and understand what we don't know through research and concentration. Things also continue to get worse as more people come into this planet, and the grand majority of the popualtion contribute less and less to creating new useful things. They study to become things not to contribute but to survive, to buy things that they think will make them more comfortable, that fulfill sensory requirements. Food, shelter, self-protection, security. All fine. But then we want more toys, more things to play with, that don't do much more than just waste our time. So we come on this planet, crap on its resources and leave a big shit stain where we finished. And we think this is OK. And it is, if the actions of this group of people didn't affect or take away from those that are trying to create or improve our world. But that's not what it is. We're outnumbered and dictated to by those very fools who don't provide anything. They debate nonsense, social issues that should be clear already. It isn't anyone's business if two people of the same sex want to marry each other, or if a woman wants to terminate life growing inside of herself. It really is of no importance at all, but it's debated with more ferocity and consumes more time than possibly makes sense. It doesn't make sense that religion is such a focal point when it's just fiction. But I speak for the artists.

It started a few weeks ago when I went to see a play. I had done a few plays with this director and was wildly unsatisfied with his work. mostly because he doesn't do any work. He simply keeps putting play after play to keep his name visible, but the quality of the work is terrible. On this occasion it wasn't that the play was terrible that bothered me. It bothered me that the audience that had shown up didn't know that it was shit. They couldn't tell that this was not what theatre was supposed to be. I could sense that there were people in the audience who felt that the boredom, the overwrought acting, the melodramatic babble, the staging for effect, couldn't see it for the sham it was. They thought that this showing, this indicating, this fake acting was what theatre was. And there was an inner satisfaction that they could appreciate it. And it made me angry and feel sick. Because how could so many people pay to watch something so terrible when good work was being done but no one was interested?

It makes you lose faith a little.

Then I saw a terrible movie, that had made a lot of money. And friends of mine said it had been good, and that they wanted to see it. So they were more willing to go see something awful but worse was they would walk out thinking it was good. How could that be?

And then we (my friend Tushar and I) wondered how people could go watch Salman Khan movies in such huge numbers and not know it was shit? How could those movies make 100 crores of rupees when there was nothing to apprecaite, nothing to remember and movies that strive to be great, achieve greatness, reach for the stars, show us something new are quietly relegated?

After my first play I had that same frustration that happened at the first improv. This feeling of having done something that we knew was good, was professional, was something new and had even captured the imagination of the audience, but did not make me FEEL it was. As in, I knew all the previous to be true, but the sense of satisfaction, the FEELING of joy that should follow didn't come. I observed how the hall didn't chat, didn't stir, didn't lose attention and was amazed that this was happening only after the show was over. But even then there wasn't a feeling of joy or reward. I can live with that. It just tells me I have to keep going.

And then this worse started creeping in. I started noticing that my own politeness, kindness and the patience with which I treat people was detrimental to results, at least in this country. If you treat people with kindness, patience you don't get service, you don;t get results. If you're an asshole, or speak like you're speaking to an animal or an idiot, you do get them to perform. It made me enormously sad. Because I don't want to turn into that. It just ties into the idea that people are doing thing for a material reward, not because they strive to be anything. It might be arrogant to believe that everyone should strive for something greater when really we would say that those poor people are only trying to survive, that they're not educated enough to have real opportunities, that they don't think that way, their joys are simpler, their impulses satisfied more quickly. And then you realize that they are easy to control, manipulate, satisfy, but to control you have to become a monster. And then I looked around and all I saw was monsters.

I make that decision for myself then. Not to give up. I can't give up. The arrogance believe that we can change something, but the truth is we can't. The great truth is that those of us who call ourselves artists are not really going to change anything, we're just going to keep the wolves at bay until a breakthrough can be made. We just have to help ourselves and the rest of us hold on just a little longer, and that's all our duty is, no matter how big our ambition might get. No fear. Don't be afraid. Even though the battle can't be won, it can be endured. Then maybe you can be a part of something that changes the world, or you can support something that will.

When we look around we have to separate ourselves from the bullshit. Keep ourselves above it and treat ourselves with the knowledge that we are better than this. Nothing from our past should make us feel smaller, insignificant or broken. All our past mistakes and failures are our lessons. Do not allow those things to hurt us anymore. We take them in our stride and keep them to ourselves. Because the lesson now is to live, and to lead.

Have the courage to stand up and say we're taking the world with us. We speak for you because we are the best of you, we believe in the best in you. We don't have to be angry. We don't have to feel powerless. We are already better, and we only have to focus on becoming even better. There's no reason to be afraid. Do not be afraid. Just focus on practicing the very very best within you. Don't worry if others judge you. And be grateful for your enemies. They remind you that you can't take it easy, that you can't rest, because your inaction will allow the world to fall into disrepair.

Push Revenge Out
I was watching Scorsese's documentary on Bob Dylan "No Direction Home" (a documentary I've had in my collection for at least 4 years but didn't have the patience to sit through until one late night where it just caught my eye while strolling through a list of other names). There's a section in it where they talk about how "Like a Rolling Stone" came about. In it, there's a great story about how Al Kooper snuck into the recording studio when no one was looking and managed to sit himself down at the organ, and Tom Wilson just let him sit there. It's such a wonderful story about how his originally little, quiet inconspicuous contribution to that song sprung purely from a dogged, child like stubbornness to just contribute to his hero's work. That his work on it became the most prominent piece and made it a song, and a type of song, that no one had ever heard before, is just the most beautiful sort of story. The kind that puts a smile on my face that I don't force and can't stop either, and I find myself loving myself because the story makes me smile.

But the story about the song made me think of the story in the song, and the story in the song made me think about my own story. The song's lyrics are a rage of hostile aggression, which segues into an angry declaration of freedom, that if you've got nothing, you've got nothing to lose.

I get that Dylan is referencing himself in the song more than anyone else. That he's found that on his search for a home that he's never known, he has freed himself to leave no direction home. That aggression that he throws is his own anger at not becoming what he had set out to be or, at least, not yet. But also that great pleasure at railing at someone useless and full of themself, is wonderful. Revenge. That's what the song is, Vengeance.

You see, for the longest time I thought I was untrue, that I was fake. That my artistic talent was a sham, that once people had started appreciating me for it, that they didn't know what they were talking about. I mean, what's the point in admiring something in someone that you can't understand, that you can't do? It's not worth much.

But the reason I thought I wasn't any good, was because of how I started. I acted a little before, and I knew I love it and wanted to do it, but it was unthinkable, something that just couldn't happen for anyone, especially not for me. And I convinced myself of this for the longest time, even though I knew I was just fighting my own real nature, something that I really wanted, and then couldn't help.

So after school, I never touched it again, although I tried to find other ways to perform. I wanted to play sports and music, because it was a form of performance. And I knew I liked that I could lose myself in those roles, that I became someone else who didn't have to be funny or fit in. I just had to do the best I could in that field, and it was easy when it wasn't me.

The first time I went to see a play at the Theatre Guild, and I can't even particularly remember what piece of shit ensemble drama it was. I think it might have been the odious version of "The Importance of Being Earnest" put on by Carlos Williams, where he actually changed it to characters "e-mailing" each other. Fucking tripe! When I sat through it, I knew I could do a better job. I was certain for it, not even the slightest hesitation that I could. It wasn't a sense of competition, it was just that it made little sense to me that I was sitting there watching this horrible thing, when I knew I could do better. It didn't make sense to me why people were sitting there willing to watch this horrible thing. That's when I realized that everyone felt that what was going on on stage was important, something to pay attention to just because they were supposed to. They had to convince themselves that if they spent 10 bux to watch this then it must be important.

It struck me that I was wasting my time watching this when I should be doing it. So I did. And then I did it again. And then I did it a few more times until I finally knew I had done it well, that I had crossed into something, that I had become one with my breath at that moment. And then I did that one or two more times, and then I couldn't do it anymore. And then I knew I could do it again if I found something worth doing. I still do it, even though I haven't found something worth doing yet, but I will, and if I don't then I won't.

But until I heard the song "Like a Rolling Stone" and told myself it was about someone else, or even pointing at yourself like someone else pointing, it teaches me that I can't hate myself just because I found the push to turn myself into what I wanted to just because it came out of something negative.

We look on facebook and we just want to "like" things, and even people who write their dislike things are usually just dealing with their own inner hatred. But you can't hate yourself just because you chose anger to move through you into something creative. You can't. You gotta take whatever moves you and turn it into art. If you're angry then turn that anger into the best possible art possible. Take is and soar.